Kung-Fu Jesus and the Cherubim of Fire (Genesis 4...sort of)

[I can not believe you are doing this.]
{you came up with the idea}
[ugh]
The birth of Kung-Fu Jesus and his miraculous encounter with the Cherubim of Fire

And Adam and Eve got it on and she conceived, and in the glory within the shadow of Eden, to the remnant of the blessings of the Lord came forth....KUNG FU JESUS! and they praised the Lord.
And she again begot it on and bare Able John, who kept the sheep, while Kung-Fu Jesus walked the walk upon the earth.
And Kung-Fu Jesus knowing he was not just any ordinary man, as his kung fu was strong, learnt much of Adam about Eden and the Tree of Life. Kung-Fu Jesus swore that he would adventure and one day find this tree and eat of its fruit.
And in process of time it came to pass that Kung-Fu Jesus learned the way to the tree of life and that it was guarded by the Cherubim of Fire, who held a flaming sword which turned every way. He knew also that the evil lord God did not want any to taste of its sweet sweet fruit. Therefore with the help of his brother Able John, KFJ came up with a plan.
And in process of time it came to pass that Kung-Fu Jesus brought of the fruit of the ground an offering unto the Lord and Able John also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof. And the Lord had respect unto Able John and to his offering, as Kung-Fu Jesus expected for the evil lord God liked blood sacrifices. But unto Kung-Fu Jesus and his offering he had not respect. KFJ was pretended to be wroth.
And the Lord said unto KFJ, why art thou wroth? and why is thy countenance fallen?
If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, I'll just smite thee. no worries.
And Kung-Fu Jesus talked with Able John his brother: and put their plan into effect. When they were in the field, KFJ walking his walk and Able John leading the sheep, KFJ rose up against Able John and slew him. But Able John, like his brother, was a good actor and he was not truly dead.
And the Lord said unto Kung-Fu Jesus, where is Able John, thy brother? and KFJ said, I know not: Am I my brother's keeper?
And the evil lord God went off to look for Able John, and while thus distracted Kung-Fu Jesus was safe to seek out the mighty Cherubim of Fire.
Kung-Fu Jesus set out in the direction long ago pointed out by his father, to the garden over the hill with the big flaming guy with the sword standing near it.
And behold Kung-Fu Jesus came before the Cherubim of Fire and saith: "Let me pass o mighty Cherubim, for I am Kung-Fu Jesus. My kung fu is the strongest in the land."
But the Cherubim just laughed and drove his sword into the earth, and behold the earth opened up and swallowed Kung-Fu Jesus, bringing him unto the depths.
Darkness he saw, except for a small burning pitch. Next to this was a wooden sign, which Kung-Fu Jesus approached to look at.
"Future Site of Hell's Inferno Country Home Buffet" the sign said. Well you know they'll be working on this for YEARS and what an awful location! under the ground bah, what were they thinking, KFJ thought. As he turned to leave he accidentally knocked the sign into the burning pitch. Ah well, noone's going to be down here to read it anyway, he said and headed for the exit.
"Future sight of the Netherworld Interplanar Expressway"
"Nothing's done around here at all." Kung-Fu Jesus said. Behind him he did not notice that the ground where the sign had stood, polluted from years of industry and construction without regulation (and without getting anywhere), saturated with flamable chemicals had caught fire, and it was quickly spreading.
Kung-Fu Jesus walked the expressway back to the surface, stopping to bless a particularly large and shapely mushroom as he went. The mushroom quivered ominously as the flames of Hell's Inferno came near, but KFJ was long gone.
By now KFJ was a fugitive as God had learned Able John was in fact alive and only pretending to be dead. He was so mad he imprisoned Able John in his Sky Fortress of Doom and went off in search of Kung-Fu Jesus. Not knowing of his plans to enter Eden yet, KFJ still had some time, but now his quest was ever more urgent, for once he returned everyone he met who recognized him would turn against him to be spared the Wroth of Con, which was a dreadful servent of God.
From the Expressway, Kung-Fu Jesus found himself in the land of Nod on the east side of Eden, near the Cherubim's gate.
The Cherubim was shocked to see Jesus return. He thought for sure the Country Home Buffet in Hell's Inferno would be temptation enough to keep him from returning, but KFJ was adament in his quest.
They battled seven days, the Cherubim with the flaming sword and Kung-Fu Jesus and indeed Kung-Fu Jesus' kung fu was the stronger and the Cherubim fell.
"You have bested me Kung-Fu Jesus, but remember this. I am the least of the foes you shall face. Be brave and strong and practice well your kung fu and we may yet be set free of the evil lord God and his minions."
The Cherubim died, and out of respect for a brave and honorable foe Kung-Fu Jesus knelt beside him and bowed.
Finally he rose as he heard a noise in the distance. God had found his trail and was hurrying quick with all his posse across the land of Nod. Quickly KFJ entered the Eden gate and made for the Tree of Life. The garden slowed the pursuers, but KFJ traveled quickly as he was alone. Finally before him it stood, glowing in magnificence, the Tree of Life, called Yggdrasil. There indeed was the fruit, which he took, but before he ate it an arrow twanged and struck the tree next to his head. Kung-Fu Jesus stuck the fruit in his pocket, and noticed the arrow quickly disintegrated. In retribution for being struck Yggdrasil then provided an Uzi, far more technologically advanced than anything else of the time it made quick work of the Lord's posse. In fear the Lord fled to his Sky Fortress of Doom where he still held Able John.
Kung-Fu Jesus ate of the fruit and it was good. His kung fu became stronger and he set out to find his brother.
Not knowing how to get into the sky just yet, he met a girl and started a family, had a son he named Grasshopper Enuk and he built a city in Nod near the entrance to Eden.

(and later Enuk had I-rad who then had Meta-jael who had Meta-sael who had theMech. TheMech was the man and had two wives, Adah and Zillah. Adah bore Shep and Bard. Zillah bore Cublaicahn the Smith and his sister Naamah. theMech would one day think himself 11 times the man Kung-Fu Jesus was, but would painfully learn the truth. But this is a tale for another day.)

And Adam and Eve got it on again and had Set, who would become the most evil and feared servant of the lord God and would much vex his brothers, Kung-Fu Jesus and Able John.

Seth had a son named Error, and they were often seen calling unto the Lord and so in time Kung-Fu Jesus, having slain the Cherubim of Fire, saw the way to approach the Sky Fortress of Doom.
[we are so going to hell]
{why not. I heard they finished the buffet, and that they've got some excellent grittle cakes}
[make it lunch then?]
{sounds good to me}