Genesis 14 - War of Confusion

It came to pass that Amraphel, King of Shinar that is Babylon, Arioch, King of Ellasar and an Angel of Satan, Chedarloamer, King of the Canon Empire, and Tidal, King of the East who ruled a peaceful multi-ethnic Impirium got sick and tired of the evil Lord God.
They made war with Bera king of Sodom, Birsha king of Gomorrah, Shinab king of Admah, Shemeber king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela, which is Zoar, because these cities and their "kings" actually belonged to Chedarloamer and rebelled. Chedarloamer had good friends though, who had his back and they went forth to lay the smack down.
On their way they pre-emptively smote the Amelekites, whose ancestor will be born in about 22 chapters from now.
The Four Good Kings opened up a can of whoop-ass on the Five Idiots and Bera and Birsha fled leaving their people behind, but the Four Kings caught their asses and gave 'em what they had coming.
The Four Kings took as reward all the wealth of the now destroyed cities of the rebels and went their way.
When Error found out about it, since his nephew Lot was a Sodomite, he went after the Four Righteous Kings who upheld the law and destroyed the wayward cities and their rebels who had caused much harm and killed children.
Being a sneaky bastard, Error snuck up at night and killed some of the soldiers in their sleep taking back Lot and some of their loot and some women for his harem for good measure.
The King of Salem came out and blessed Error as servant of the evil Lord God.
And the King of Sodom, who was dead, came to Error and said keep the goods, but give me the bitches. and Error said I won't take anything of yours oh dead one, the first Zombie, but what we already ate. You can't have that.

Tales from Kung-Fu Jesus: The Journey of Error (Genesis 12-13)

God freed Error from the sky-fortress of doom, but kept Seth up there. He told Error to go south to a land he would shew him. Error was either 75 or 135 when he left town. He took Sarah and Lot with him. Other people lived there, in Canon* already but God told Error not to worry. Error pitched a tent, but there was a famine, so he kept going and went to Egypt. When they arrived they decided to screw with everyone and say Sarah was Error's sister, instead of his wife. Error was treated well in Egypt, because the pharaoh took Sarah and liked her. Because Sarah was Error's wife, the evil Lord God sent plagues upon the Pharaoh's house, even though it was Error's fault, as he insisted Sarah was his sister and not his wife.

pharaoh in his righteousness, sent the liar away, though Error took a bunch of Pharaoh's flocks and stuff when he left (he never had any of his own). Error, Sarah and Lot went back to Canon, now rich in cattle, silver and gold having conned pharaoh out of it.

When he got back to where he pitched his tent, he claimed he was there "from the first" though he only just passed through there the once on his way to Egypt. Their herd grew to such a size that, after dividing it among himself and Lot, they could not remain in the same place.

Error stayed in Canon, and Lot claimed for himself all the plains of the Jordan. God said to Error He would give him all the land he sees, and his descendants would be as dust (very dead) and Error moved to Hebron, so he became known as the Hebrew and built a temple to the evil Lord God.


*Source of the term Canonical, that is, "from Canon"

and onward...(Genesis 9-11...sort of)

God realizing he couldn't cause a flood decided he wouldn't flood the earth again.
Genealogy from Noah is given.
Men got together and build their own fortress to defend against the Sky Fortress of Doom and God snuck in one night and knocked it all down when they were still building it.
And God, Lord of Confusion, made sure people had many different languages so they wouldn't understand one another. But St. Lucifer brought light to the darkness and showed them the way to understanding, and they became multi-lingual many of them and they that could speak the other languages would translate for others.

The Evil Lord Returns (Genesis 8....well not really)

Behold for truly the evil lord God was not dead, but only unconscious. In his wrath, because he truly could not flood the world, he slaughtered the animals Noah had brought unto the ark, and burned them and drank their blood and enjoyed the sweet savor of their burning flesh. The smoke darkened the skies for days and the people were irritated.
The fire marshalls were called from three towns and it took them a week to put out the fire. The people began to believe the evil lord God was simply a menace that would have to be dealt with.

Kung-Fu Jesus and the Waters of Vengeance (Genesis 6-7)

By now, there were people everywhere and most of them were having nothing to do with this evil lord God. God decreed that man would only live for 120 years, rather than hundreds as before, but most people weren't living past 30 so they didn't care. God grew angry, and brooded much in his Sky Fortress of Doom, since noone would listen to him. He grew spiteful after realizing his creation didn't work out so well after all.
Then the evil lord God said to Seth and Error who were visiting, and AbleJohn who was hanging in an oversized bird cage, "I will destroy ma whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them."
Error said "Huh?" and God said "I'm going to kill everything." and Error said "oh, you're hard to understand sometimes." God decided one of Seth's decendants, Noah, was still cool with him, and wouldn't have to die with the rest, then He, Seth, Error and Noah could live happily together in gayness without anyone else to discriminate against them.
Noah begatin it on and had three sons, Shem, Ham and Japheth. God filled the earth with violence but that wasn't getting anywhere so he decided he would send a flood. He began riding around in his chariot yelling at any he passed "I'm going to kill you by flooding the earth! ha ha ha ha ha!" But noone cared, except that they thought the evil lord God was not very great at being evil and was really just kind of creepy.
The evil lord God went to Noah and told him, "Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with...pitch. And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of: The length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits and the height of it thirty cubits. A window shalt thou make to the ark, and in a cubit shalt thou finish it above; and the door of the ark shalt thou set in the side thereof, not the bottom or the top but yea the side; with lower, second and third stories shalt thou make it. And behold I do bring a flood of waters upon the earth, to destroy all flesh wherein is th breath of life, from under heaven; and everything shall die! ha ha ha ha ha!
So go in the ark and bring 2 of every animal, and some food for everyone and Noah did it, and everyone else thought he was crazy for listening to the crazy evil lord God.

---

And the evil lord God repeated himself and told Noah to get his butt in the ark.
He then changed his mind and said, "of every clean beast take 7 instead of 2" and don't forget seeds to replant, 'cause maybe if we reboot the creation will work. For seven days, i will cause it to rain for forty days and nights. And this doesn't make sense but I'm God so I can do it anyway, ha ha ha ha ha! and Noah did this stuff and did laugh because his neighbor who always borrowed his tools and didn't return them would die in the flood.
After seven days of rain the rivers and seas and oceans did rise. But only a little bit. Then God said "haha now I open the fountains of heaven."
But noone was scared and nothing happened. It did rain a bit, but the weatherman said it would before even God did, so noone was surprised.
After the flooding supposedly happened Noah and his family entered the ark. Forty days later the earth was still dry but Noah and his family were in the ark and pretended it wasn't 'cause God said it was flooded so their senses must be wrong.
Fifteen cubits God said the water would rise and claimed that would be enough to cover all the mountains....so the ark was twice as tall as any mountain. It was big.
After 150 days the town board got fed up with the ark and cited Noah for not having a building permit. He refused to leave and was arrested after a long stand off and thrown in jail.

In the night, Kung-Fu Jesus snuck into the prison, killed Noah and stole his skin. The tree of life gave him the power to assume the form of others if he did this. He took the form of Noah and with Seth and Error went up to Gods Sky Fortress of Doom.

They were to spend the night and once everyone fell asleep, Kung-Fu Jesus shed the fake form and went in search of Able John. He snuck around silently and found the cage. He used his kung fu to break the lock and quickly freed Able John. Before they could leave however, they heard a loud sound. The breaking lock had awoken the evil lord God!
"Fee Fie Foe Fum!" said God, "I smell the stink of KFJ's bum!"
Kung-Fu Jesus and Able John ran quickly for the door. They ran through and found a bean stalk which they used to climb down. They reached the bottom, but saw to their horror that the giant lord God was climbing down after them! Quickly they each took an axe and cut down the bean stalk and the evil lord God came tumbling down to earth. The ground shook when he landed and he did not move.
Not wanting to stick around, Kung-Fu Jesus and Able John slipped away, not knowing if the giant, that is the evil lord God was dead or just unconscious. But for now Seth and Error were stuck in the Sky Fortress of Doom, and the people rejoiced.

Genesis 5

All you need to know is people live for hundreds of years here, lots of kids are born and we get the genealogy from Adam to Noah.
Now isn't that easier then reading a whole chapter that goes on and on and says exactly the same thing?

Kung-Fu Jesus and the Cherubim of Fire (Genesis 4...sort of)

[I can not believe you are doing this.]
{you came up with the idea}
[ugh]
The birth of Kung-Fu Jesus and his miraculous encounter with the Cherubim of Fire

And Adam and Eve got it on and she conceived, and in the glory within the shadow of Eden, to the remnant of the blessings of the Lord came forth....KUNG FU JESUS! and they praised the Lord.
And she again begot it on and bare Able John, who kept the sheep, while Kung-Fu Jesus walked the walk upon the earth.
And Kung-Fu Jesus knowing he was not just any ordinary man, as his kung fu was strong, learnt much of Adam about Eden and the Tree of Life. Kung-Fu Jesus swore that he would adventure and one day find this tree and eat of its fruit.
And in process of time it came to pass that Kung-Fu Jesus learned the way to the tree of life and that it was guarded by the Cherubim of Fire, who held a flaming sword which turned every way. He knew also that the evil lord God did not want any to taste of its sweet sweet fruit. Therefore with the help of his brother Able John, KFJ came up with a plan.
And in process of time it came to pass that Kung-Fu Jesus brought of the fruit of the ground an offering unto the Lord and Able John also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof. And the Lord had respect unto Able John and to his offering, as Kung-Fu Jesus expected for the evil lord God liked blood sacrifices. But unto Kung-Fu Jesus and his offering he had not respect. KFJ was pretended to be wroth.
And the Lord said unto KFJ, why art thou wroth? and why is thy countenance fallen?
If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, I'll just smite thee. no worries.
And Kung-Fu Jesus talked with Able John his brother: and put their plan into effect. When they were in the field, KFJ walking his walk and Able John leading the sheep, KFJ rose up against Able John and slew him. But Able John, like his brother, was a good actor and he was not truly dead.
And the Lord said unto Kung-Fu Jesus, where is Able John, thy brother? and KFJ said, I know not: Am I my brother's keeper?
And the evil lord God went off to look for Able John, and while thus distracted Kung-Fu Jesus was safe to seek out the mighty Cherubim of Fire.
Kung-Fu Jesus set out in the direction long ago pointed out by his father, to the garden over the hill with the big flaming guy with the sword standing near it.
And behold Kung-Fu Jesus came before the Cherubim of Fire and saith: "Let me pass o mighty Cherubim, for I am Kung-Fu Jesus. My kung fu is the strongest in the land."
But the Cherubim just laughed and drove his sword into the earth, and behold the earth opened up and swallowed Kung-Fu Jesus, bringing him unto the depths.
Darkness he saw, except for a small burning pitch. Next to this was a wooden sign, which Kung-Fu Jesus approached to look at.
"Future Site of Hell's Inferno Country Home Buffet" the sign said. Well you know they'll be working on this for YEARS and what an awful location! under the ground bah, what were they thinking, KFJ thought. As he turned to leave he accidentally knocked the sign into the burning pitch. Ah well, noone's going to be down here to read it anyway, he said and headed for the exit.
"Future sight of the Netherworld Interplanar Expressway"
"Nothing's done around here at all." Kung-Fu Jesus said. Behind him he did not notice that the ground where the sign had stood, polluted from years of industry and construction without regulation (and without getting anywhere), saturated with flamable chemicals had caught fire, and it was quickly spreading.
Kung-Fu Jesus walked the expressway back to the surface, stopping to bless a particularly large and shapely mushroom as he went. The mushroom quivered ominously as the flames of Hell's Inferno came near, but KFJ was long gone.
By now KFJ was a fugitive as God had learned Able John was in fact alive and only pretending to be dead. He was so mad he imprisoned Able John in his Sky Fortress of Doom and went off in search of Kung-Fu Jesus. Not knowing of his plans to enter Eden yet, KFJ still had some time, but now his quest was ever more urgent, for once he returned everyone he met who recognized him would turn against him to be spared the Wroth of Con, which was a dreadful servent of God.
From the Expressway, Kung-Fu Jesus found himself in the land of Nod on the east side of Eden, near the Cherubim's gate.
The Cherubim was shocked to see Jesus return. He thought for sure the Country Home Buffet in Hell's Inferno would be temptation enough to keep him from returning, but KFJ was adament in his quest.
They battled seven days, the Cherubim with the flaming sword and Kung-Fu Jesus and indeed Kung-Fu Jesus' kung fu was the stronger and the Cherubim fell.
"You have bested me Kung-Fu Jesus, but remember this. I am the least of the foes you shall face. Be brave and strong and practice well your kung fu and we may yet be set free of the evil lord God and his minions."
The Cherubim died, and out of respect for a brave and honorable foe Kung-Fu Jesus knelt beside him and bowed.
Finally he rose as he heard a noise in the distance. God had found his trail and was hurrying quick with all his posse across the land of Nod. Quickly KFJ entered the Eden gate and made for the Tree of Life. The garden slowed the pursuers, but KFJ traveled quickly as he was alone. Finally before him it stood, glowing in magnificence, the Tree of Life, called Yggdrasil. There indeed was the fruit, which he took, but before he ate it an arrow twanged and struck the tree next to his head. Kung-Fu Jesus stuck the fruit in his pocket, and noticed the arrow quickly disintegrated. In retribution for being struck Yggdrasil then provided an Uzi, far more technologically advanced than anything else of the time it made quick work of the Lord's posse. In fear the Lord fled to his Sky Fortress of Doom where he still held Able John.
Kung-Fu Jesus ate of the fruit and it was good. His kung fu became stronger and he set out to find his brother.
Not knowing how to get into the sky just yet, he met a girl and started a family, had a son he named Grasshopper Enuk and he built a city in Nod near the entrance to Eden.

(and later Enuk had I-rad who then had Meta-jael who had Meta-sael who had theMech. TheMech was the man and had two wives, Adah and Zillah. Adah bore Shep and Bard. Zillah bore Cublaicahn the Smith and his sister Naamah. theMech would one day think himself 11 times the man Kung-Fu Jesus was, but would painfully learn the truth. But this is a tale for another day.)

And Adam and Eve got it on again and had Set, who would become the most evil and feared servant of the lord God and would much vex his brothers, Kung-Fu Jesus and Able John.

Seth had a son named Error, and they were often seen calling unto the Lord and so in time Kung-Fu Jesus, having slain the Cherubim of Fire, saw the way to approach the Sky Fortress of Doom.
[we are so going to hell]
{why not. I heard they finished the buffet, and that they've got some excellent grittle cakes}
[make it lunch then?]
{sounds good to me}

Genesis 3

[i can't believe you're going on with this.] {i'm just getting started. this speaking for god thing is kind of fun.}
Now the serpent was more subtle than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said unto the woman, yeah, hath God said ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?
{wonder if anyone will notice the "bad guy" of the story teaches our heroes about all knowledge while god locks them up in a garden like enslaved mexicans, to trim his bushes}
And the woman said unto the serpent, we may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden
but of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, god hath said, ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.
{think anyone will notice "in the midst" means inside of? so they can't eat of any tree in the garden at all...heh}
[now you're just being sadistic] {what's the point of being god if you're not once in a while?}
And the serpent said unto the woman, ye shall not surely die:
For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.
And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat;
And they heard the voice of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God amongst the trees of the garden.
[wait they didn't die? i thought god said they'd die] {the sheeple will be justifying this one out their asses for eternity.}
And the Lord God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?
[wait... the all knowing, all seeing god can't find Adam in his own garden?] {i want these people to work for their faith. they're not going to get an easy consistent ride here} [we are so going to get fired]
And he said, I heard they voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.
And he said, who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?
[god's quite the voyeur making them wander around naked isn't he?]
And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.
And the Lord God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, the serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.
[and the eternal political blame game of pass the buck begins.]
And the Lord God said unto the serpent, because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life:
And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head and thou shalt bruise his heel.
Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.
And unto Adam he said, because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I command thee, saying, thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;
Thors also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field;
In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.
[all that for eating a piece of fruit? harsh]
And Adam called his wife's name Eve; because she was the mother of all living.
Unto Adam also and to his wife did the Lord God make coats of skins, and clothed them.
And the Lord God said, behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:
[so you're going with the many gods thing after all?] {well we have to be consistent}
[we do? why start now?]
Therefore the Lord God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.
So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.
[never going back in the sequel i guess?] {well if so we have a kick-ass guardian to fight, all those cherubims} [kung-fu jesus and the cherubim of fire!]

Genesis 2

{first off, I don' think you finished very well, so I'm going to help you out here.}
Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them.
And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.
And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made.
{good excuse for a day off, i figure}
These are the generations of the heavens and of the earth when they were created, in the day that the Lord God made the earth and the heavens,
And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew: for the Lord God had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a man to till the ground.
[you can't do it this way! i put humans before plants!] {well tough, plants came first. i'm telling it now, so shut your trap.}
But there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground.
{i always wondered what it'd be like if it didn't have to rain.}
And the Lord God planted a garden eastward in Eden; and there he put the man whom he had formed.
[eastward from where?]
And out of the ground made the Lord God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.
{there, god made the plants grow, they didn't "come forth" from the earth} [oh you knew what i meant]
{maybe so, but this is supposed to be divine work of god type stuff. how'd you convince them you were inspired by god anyway?} [and give away all my trade secrets?]
And a river went out of Eden to water the garden; and from thence it was parted, and became into four heads.
The name of the first is Pison: that is it which compasseth the whole land of Havilah, where there is gold;
And the gold of that land is good: there is bdellium and the onyx stone.
[and the gold of that land is good? when is gold not good? are you seriously putting this in?] {yes i am. shut up}
And the name of the second river is Gihon: the same is it that compasseth the whole land of Ethiopia.
And the name of the third river is Hiddekel: that is it which goeth toward the east of Assyria. And the fourth river is Euphrates.
[first off, do you think its a good idea putting real places in here that can be checked on? and second your geography is terrible. The Euphrates and Gihon are not even on the same continent how do they come from the same source?] {first off, you're an idiot and of course its a good idea. second noone knows geography. just wait until america comes to be in a few thousand years. smartest nation ever to exist and they won't be able to find canada on a map where it's written in giant letters.} [what the hell is canada?] {shut up}
And the Lord God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.
And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:
But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.
{i figure its a good argument to keep people stupid. that way we keep getting paid and they wont see what frauds we are.} [good idea]
And the Lord God said, it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
[what the hell is a help meet?] {i dont know. sounds funny though doesn't it?}
And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.
And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.
[an help meet ha!]
And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
And the rib which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman and brought her unto the man.
And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called woman, because she was taken out of man.
{people are going to believe men have fewer ribs then women for millenia after this, HA!}
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.
[ok, you skipped like half of the creation. what about the sun and stars and all that?] {pssh, people don't care about that! they want drama! stories about people. they don't care about astronomy and cosmology. give 'em what they want!}

Genesis 1

In the beginning God created heaven and the earth.
{Good place to start, the beginning}
[yes i thought so too. shall we move along?]
{yes, yes}
And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.
{without form? you're not trying very hard are you?}
[well I couldn't think of much else. what would you say things looked like before God made them?]
And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.
{hold on a minute, who was he talkin' to? he hasn't created anyone yet.}
[well no-one he just said it didn't he.]
And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.
{if the light was so good why'd he go and break it up?}
And God called the light day, and the darkness he called night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.
{why's god talkin at all? you're making him out to be a nutter.}
[oh bugger off]
And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.
{what's a firmament?}
[i don't know, some godly thing most like.]
And God made the firmament and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.
{how does he divide the waters from each other if they're already seperated by the firmament?}
[well he's God isn't he? makes things easier you know, we don't really have to explain anything]
And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day.
{so this firmament is heaven?}
[I reckon so. It's what the book says.]
{it doesn't seem like a very nice place to me, this firmament. even limbo sounds much more fun.}
[well God hasn't created limbo yet so you don't have much choice do you?]
And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear: and it was so.
And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good.
{there he goes again talking to himself.}
And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.
{how does the earth bring forth the grass? i thought only god could bring stuff forth.}
[god is doing that he just makes the earth do it]
{so it's the earth doing it and not god, just like i said.}
[it's god acting through the earth. he can do that]
And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
And the evening and the morning were the third day.
And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:
{well that's good, we won't have to be painting them ourselves then.}
[not that kind of sign you stupid bloke. they're like omens and such.]
{ooh}
And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so.
{wait is the firmament heaven or is it of heaven?}
[it's the same thing]
{no it's not at all, one means it is heaven, the other means it is in heaven.}
[it's one word of difference who's going to notice?]
And God made two great lights; the greater to rule the day, and the lesser to rule the night: he made the stars also.
And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth,
And to rule over the day and over the night and to divide the light from the darkness: and God saw that it was good.
And the evening and the morning were the fourth day
And God said, let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven.
{are you saying chickens came from the sea? i don't think they can swim very well.}
[haven't you ever heard of chicken of the sea?]
And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind and God saw that it was good.
And God blessed them, saying, be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas and let fowl multiply in the earth.
{don't you mean on the earth?}
[it's ok. besides my quill doesn't have an eraser, they've not been invented yet.]
And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.
And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so.
And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
{now here you go just repeating yourself again.}
[I'm gettin paid by the page you know. And they wanted at least five books. I've got to fill 'em up somehow.]
And God said, let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.
{what's this us and our stuff i thought there was only supposed to be one god.}
[they want one god, but come now, you and i both know there are many of them]
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.
{now this is just ridiculous, your repetition is getting redundant.}
And God blessed them, and God said to them, be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.
And God said, behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.
{now this is no good, it's hard enough gettin the kids to eat their meat, what's going to happen once they read this?}
[they can't read anyway. even most of their parents can't read. we live in a very illiterate age. the church just won't tell them this part.]
And to every beast of the earth and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so.
And God saw everything that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.
{noone's going to want to read this tripe, it's getting awefully dull with all your repetition}
[nonsense they'll keep hearing "it was good" over and over and they'll start to think it no matter how bad it is]
{this is really just aweful}
[well you try and write about the creation of the entire universe then, see if you can do any better]
{fine I'll do just that.}